A world with no snoring, no bad music and a loving community. Alexis Borochoff puts together a list of the best things about being Deaf

You have no problem with other people’s snoring

Does your partner sound like a freight train in the middle of the night? No problem! Your significant other is a dreamboat, someone who will bring you flowers after work and make you a batch of cookies out of love. He’ll hold your hand during your crisis, bringing a smile to your sobbing mess of a face. So when your hearing family visits during the holidays, they’ll spend all night tossing and turning because of his midnight bleating. Meanwhile, you’ll sleep soundly next to the man of your dreams, oblivious of his one true flaw. 

You’re awarded front row seats at theatres 

Your favourite play Wicked is in town, so you figure you should call in advance and request an interpreter with your ticket. And before you know it, you’re seated in row A, aisle 2 to get a great view of your helpful signing staff. As you smirk and walk past the hearing people seated in row C, you catch a glimpse of their scrunched up faces while muttering “how did that deafie get the good seat?” But you shrug it off while enjoying your coveted seat and closely examining Idina Menzel’s uvula on stage. 

Telemarketers want nothing to do with you

Your phone flashes. Who is that calling you? Why, it’s the telemarketing lady wanting to sell you the newest line of vacuum cleaners. Through your relay interpreter, you respectfully decline and say you have no interest in
vacuums. She begs to differ and stubbornly tells you what you’re missing out on. Then you find yourself with no choice but to tell her “I’m sorry, I’m deaf.” She’ll be flummoxed, apologise profusely and hang up. Then you’ll go back to watching your favourite TV show while, elsewhere, the telemarketing lady ponders, “if she’s deaf, how was she talking on the phone?” 

You’re spared from bad music 

You’ve been invited to the family reunion...again. As you’re making small talk with Cousin Oswaldo about his new bug collection (for the fifth time) and scooping the ambrosia salad onto your plate, your Aunt Violet is thinking of a lovely idea. She gets up on stage and declares she’ll sing the family’s crest song. She belts out the tunes in broken notes and screeching pitches while your entire family fights back their grimacing smiles to show her support. Meanwhile, you’re still standing over the buffet table in blissful silence, forking that ambrosia into your mouth. 

5 It’s easy to read peacefully

No matter how many times hearing people warn you that a public location is a terrible place to get your quality reading out of the way you continue to bring your book with you outside of the house. A mariachi band could be playing behind you and you keep turning pages to find out whether Mr Darcy loves Eliza or not. Damn it’s good to be deaf. 

Communicating in awkward situations

You and your Deaf friends go for a scuba dive. As your friends flip their fins a few feet away from you, a shark swims a few metres behind them. As a hearing person you’d be out of luck as you wave frantically to your friends about the impending doom, only to have them wave “hello” back to you. But, with Deaf friends, you just sign “shark!” and you’re all out of there in no time. 

7 You can pull the Deaf card

You’ve been blasting music and your neighbours dropped by to complain. “I’m deaf,” you tell them, and they’ll become flushed with embarrassment. How dare they ask a deaf person to turn down music?! Or you’re late for class, and you nonchalantly waltzed into your classroom while your science teacher gives you a deathly stare. “Why are you late?” she asks. “Oh, I didn’t hear the bell,” you tell her. She’ll bite her lips. It doesn’t matter if you’ve lied, you’ve already won.

8 You get to be part of a loving community 

There is nothing like being a Deaf person and surrounding yourself with people that share your language and understand your struggles. You can complain to a group of Deaf people about how someone recently asked you if you read braille and at least half of them will identify with that unfortunate experience. Need help looking for a job? They will use their connections to help you on your feet. Through thick or thin, the Deaf community will always have you back. 

Published in BDN August 2015 issue